As I was digging through my journals to find my thought tracking log, I stumbled upon some journal entries that I found thoughtful and introspective. I encourage anyone to try journaling, even if sporadically, like me, for it will give you awareness and insight into your own mind and personality later on. I'd like to share one of them with you now.
Just some background - at the time of this entry and still today I work as a building maintenance man for the Vancouver School Board. Although, I have my Refrigeration Operating trades ticket and 5th Class Power Engineering ticket, when one works for the school board the work itself is little more than a janitorial rule. I'm sure most people can echo the feelings of wanting to feel more fulfilled in work and in life.
So anyways, here it is:
I fear work. I'm starting to dread going to work for the School Board and feelings of hating my job are surfacing again. I know I will have to stay in the mean time but even writing that out causes me to have a knot in my chest.
I'm meant for more than to be a labourer and that upsets me and then I begin to think of my past and all the things that led me here.
In hidsight, it is the best job I've had. It pays decent, one must work hard but generally I'm treated with kindness and respect. Still this is not what I want to be doing.
At this point in the journal entry, I turn to writing about a fear of having to confront ex-bosses for firing time. Firing time is basically apprenticeship work hours that employers have to sign off on in order to qualify to take the Power Engineering Exam.
Another worry of mine is having to go back to confront my past workplaces and bosses for firing time. I fear judgment from past bosses and coworkers. I fear rejection. I fear criticism. I fear confronting my social anxiety and dealing with women. I fear my own responses of acting subordinate and inferior, and being unable to assert myself or communicate honestly. I fear my own lack of confidence and self-esteem
By writing out these fears, I have subconsciously uncovered my fears in life and they all deal with my own perceived inferiorities or inabilities to deal with how other people view me or how I treat myself and how I act.
These fears are precisely the things I need to begin to experience in order to overcome them. I must not judge myself but face fear with courage and start to let the love I have inside over ride my life and response to life. Love, Love Yourelf Joe.
Good and Amazing things will happen in time.
Keep seeking understanding and awareness and truth and everything will turn out fine. Love yourself.
Love Love Love more
Worry Less, think less, Understand more, Judge less
write more Love more
Having gone back and read this journal. It showed me how having an outlet and writing things out will result in answers and mental relief to be attracted naturally into the thought process. And the relief from writing things out in paper is sooo beneficial.
I guess the goal of this post is just to show people that we all go through the same things and also to show that journaling and writing things out can be a good way to be more self aware and help to resolve some uncomfortable thoughts or feelings.