I said. "Of course you will..."I recently had a meeting with a mentor of mine, who told me I should consider writing again.
Over the past year I've gained clarity as to what my purpose is here on Earth. I want to help people with mental health issues...and that includes myself ...by becoming an expert mental health journalist.
Although, I’ve started to build a brand and journalism career by planting seeds on Youtube, Facebook and Instagram, I still struggle on the day to day mentally and emotionally...and my writing has fallen by the wayside as I viewed written content as a dying artform.
Although the purpose of these Social Media seeds is to inspire and motivate peoplemove forward, I find it challenging myself at times, to move forward because of my energy levels and self doubt.
I struggle with whether or not I’m allowed to post the dark sides of my life, feeling like a hypocrite, if my purpose is to uplift and help people...so I've decided to use this blog as a creative and emotional outlet, as well as my medium for sharing the real story of my life as I try to grow as an influencer in the Mental Health Field.
On a personal note, I’ve struggled with, Social Anxiety, Generalized Anxiety, Panic Disorder and drug and alcohol addiction in the past. I also realize that I probably have some forms of , or combination of undiagnosed ADHD, PTSD and bi-polar disorder.
I struggle heavily with paranoia, fear, anger and depression and although I tell my wife that ‘Everyday life is truly a struggle for me’, and she loves and sympathizes with me, I don’t think she understands the depth of honesty and reality I try to convey when I make that statement.
However, the flip side to all that self labeling, is that I am realizing that I do have strenghths, talent and power that will take me far in life. I am an intelligent, loving, intuitive, sensitive, playful, determined and hardworking person at heart. I am also very horny. (I don’t know why I threw that in there, but in the spirit of owning my authentic self, the scorpio in me should begin to display himself unashamed).
These traits do not serve me well in conventional arenas I’ve discovered.
I recently started working at a big box retail store selling electronics. I don’t know why or how I ended up here. Well I do know... but again I find myself struggling in a work situation I feel I’m not suited for. I have so much talent to offer yet I’m so sensitive to the emotions of others, that the cold atmosphere of being the new person really affects my spirits.
Why do I bruise and hurt so easily?
I find myself asking why aren’t I tougher or why can’t I handle this normal situation like other people? The fact is I'm unique and different and I need specific attention and situations to succeed. I continue to seek that attention and those situations almost to a point of deperation.
I’ve been so desperate to become an entrepreneur and work for myself, and not have to work some bullshit dayjob that I’ve continually put myself and my family at risk financially.
I’m a father now and I vow not to do that again, but that doesn’t make day to day life any easier as I pursue my ambitions on the side.
December is a particularly challenging time of year for me...maybe for many others too.
Growing up holidays meant stress...And too often stress...in my home...meant anger and violence. Like clockwork, my mother would with good intentions make plans to host a party, but like clockwork, the stress would inevitably build up and cause her to lash out in fits of rage.
One can imagine the expectation of perfectionism from being raised in a strict post World War 2 Chinese household, and then raising a family in the mormon church in a foreign Country after emmigrating...the rules and rigidity of either of these situations have long been too much for me to bear. As we grew up, these scenarious combined with various personal and communication issues in my family, compounded for a particularly volatile and dysfunctional upbringing.
So for me Xmas=pain and fear.
Genetically, I suspect and know that certain family members have been medically diagnosed with mental illness and predespositions.
Again, this makes for a volatile life, if one does not get these issues under control let alone realize that a problem even exists.
There is so much more to say... and I'll begin to delve into all of this, my life and my work as we continue along.